Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road, someone's gotta go
And I want you to know, you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
we could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone.

Diet Diary - 18 August 2009

Breakfast
Slice of Breakthru toast topped with tuna in very little low-fat low-calorie mayonnairse, onions, chillies.
Cup of black coffee without sugar or milk

Lunch
1/2 bowl of curry mee with chicken, tofu pok & prawns. Did not eat any prawns.

La Fin de Carbohydrates?

C'est impossible.

I cannot give up my carbohydrates. Someone told me that their aunt hadn't eaten rice since she was in her 20s. She's in her 50s now. Either she's been hypnotised or she's cheating. Sneaking in a bowl of rice in the middle of the night and working out to no end to burn off the empty calories.

Rice. Glorious, calorific rice. I love the word calorific. It just sounds eatable. Eatable?

How am I supposed to diet when all I can think off is super duper wok-hei infused char kuay teow?

Weekend Exercise Diary - 16/05/09 & 17/05/09

Saturday, 16 May 2009
Walked on treadmill for 10 minutes at a speed of 6.5 with a gradient of 1.0
Jogged for 1 minute with a gradient of 1.0

Sunday, 17 May 2009
Slight hiking at Sg Gabai waterfalls

Diet Diary - 18 May 2009

Breakfast
1 bun with cream
1 cup of black coffee w/o milk or sugar

Lunch
1/2 portion of rice with chicken, beef, vegetables
1 glass of iced barley water with less sugar

Diet Diary - 14 May 2009

Breakfast
Slice of Breakthru Gardenia toast with no-sugar-added peanut butter and sugarfree raspberry jam for diabetics.
1 cup of black coffee without milk or sugar

Lunch
1/2 portion of of soup noodles with some yong tau foo
Fresh pineapple juice without sugar
2 bites of brownie with ice cream (shared between Shamshul & Syahrul & myself)

Dinner
1 glass of Diet Coke
4 bites of Kanch's pad thai
4 bites of my seafood soup noodles.
Small portion of mango salad
1 mug of Starbucks caramel latte.

Cyclical Procrastination

This is really bad. I have not done any work at all this week. Why is it that I just cannot bring myself to do the work? Instead I opt for the constant butterflies and nagging fear, when my boss will ask me for the work. Its no good for me on all levels - my performance drops, I become lazier than ever, I feel depressed, your boss's impression of you worsens, resulting in crappy bonuses or increments.

So why procrastinate?

Its exactly like cigarettes, alcohol, doughnuts, credit cards and men. I'm aware that they're all, along with procrastination, real bad for me. But I just can't leave them alone.

Part I - My Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Diagnosis

So yesterday my suspicions were confirmed all along by Professor PC Tan of University Malaya, who happens to be so unexpectedly interesting. I loved him! He made a point of explaining the method of deduction typically used to confirm the diagnosis and listened patiently and carefully as I queried and raised my concerns.

I have a bad impression of doctors, unfortunately. It seems that just because their area of service is that of treating the sick, they seem to forget, or in fact, it probably has never dawned upon them that they are in a service-based industry. Condescending, patronising, lack of empathy and blatant impatience does not make good service. In my humble, experienced opinion. Talk about taking advantage of your position, about inequal bargaining power, about being the oppressed customer. The customer is NEVER right when it comes to medical advice. Oh please, being a professional myself, and therefore also in the service industry, I know for a fact that people screw up. In fact, in my profession, we are often impressed by clients who know their stuff - and so we always try to be ahead of the game.

But with doctors, things are always cut short. You are always made to feel that you are taking up their precious time with such stupid questions. I guess its because there would always be a shortage of doctors, and there will always be plenty of patients. So plenty more where we came from. So you end up paying huge consultation fees, and end up not knowing what the heck was wrong with you in the first place and place total reliance on the doctors words. Until the misdiagnosis.

Ok.

Anyway. Sidetracking is my middle name. My diagnosis can essentially be summarised as follows-

• a bunch of cysts have developed around both of my ovaries - they look like a strand of pearls on a neck. Professor PC Tan tells me they've been there since my first menstruation - a cool 14 years ago.
• nobody really knows what causes PCOS - its very closely linked to insulin resistance or in layman's terms, diabetes. In fact, it is almost a pre diabetic stage.
• the effect of the cysts is that my hormones are screwed up - I have not enough progesterone, which makes my estrogen and testosterone levels relatively high in comparison with the lack of the other hormones.
• this hormonal imbalance never really manifested when I was younger, but in the last year or so I developed excessive facial hair, gained THIRTEEN AND A HALF kilogrammes, and have had terrible mood swings. All in a span of 12 months.
• the cysts interfere with my ovulation cycles which makes me less fertile. This breaks my heart the most.
• the lack of progesterone also interfere with my ovulation cycle and doesn't allow for the lining of the uterus to be shed in a natural way. If the lining of the uterus is left to thicken, Professor PC Tan said that it would almost inevitably lead to cancer of the uterus. [periods are basically in a nutshell your body's natural way of shedding the lining of the uterus. The uterus becomes lined in preparation for your future baby to be cushioned against if your ovum is fertilisied. So if no ovum is fertilised, the lining shall be shed, normally at least.]

The treatment is specifically targetted and regulating the hormonal changes and increasing insulin sensitivity, which will obviously require me to start on the medication prescribed. But Professor PC Tan being the perfect academician that he is, suggested that I try to beat this au naturel. He said that the weight gain is abnormal, and it is due to the erratic hormones, and this will make me either super hungry or lose my appetite. So he suggested that I just don't give in to the hormones and kick the hunger side effects and lose weight - the weight loss, if exercise induced, will have a positive impact on my insulin sensitivity and metabolism.

If I beat all these, the doctor said that I could possibly naturally get rid of PCOS and ensure that I do not reach a diabetic stage. If not, it looks like I am headed for early diabetes.

This is my road to beating this. I know genetics play a part and I can't do much. Am not aiming to move mountains, but hope that with some drastic changes, I'll be able to beat this inconvenient condition.

My first weigh in will be on 14 August 2009. Morale boosters needed.

Acknowledgments

I officially would like to thank Ms Kanchiny Ramachandran for her guidance on starting a blog. Much-needed help for a technology illiterate person that I am. Thanks Chandran.